Muse. Ramble. Rant. Repeat

Valentine’s Day: How to ruin it for other people

So enough lovely dovey. I officially am going to switch sides now. Valentine’s Day is a stupid holiday.

“Oh, but it’s about showing how much you love someone!”
You twats, you should be doing that year round. You don’t need a holiday to remind you that you need to tell someone how pretty they are – it should come naturally. Besides it’s the only holiday* where there are no magical creatures involved and frankly, if there are no costumes, no Santa and no egg-laying-bunny I’m out.

I actually don’t care much about this holiday, single or not, but I know a lot of people who feel upset about it. You could spend the day reflecting on those you do have in your life that you love and appreciate but really? What fun is that?  You’ll probably end up crying. Sooooo… It’s with this happy spirit I present to you a list of how to ruin other people’s Valentine ’s Day.

–          Buy a bouquet of flowers, address it to one half of the most annoying couple you know and sign it with “Chance, xoxo”.

–          Tell your friend’s boy a shocking story about an almost sex tape you made. Then mention how glad you are you didn’t do it, lest you be always worried about it, like, ya know, his girlfriend is about hers.

–          Call your mother and tell her it’s your fault you are single because a) she talked about sex too much when you were a child or b) she didn’t talk about sex enough when you were a child.

–          Call you sister and brag about all the hot single sex you are having. Then listen to her silently sobbing while her children loudly sob in the background.

–          If you aren’t having hot single sex, call your formerly slutty friend who is now reformed and remind her of the hot single sex she used to have until she got in a relationship.

–          Tell your girlfriend how her boyfriend always hits on you (FACT: everyone has at least one friend with a sleazy boyfriend.)

–          Tell your friend’s boyfriend how awesome her old boyfriend was.

–          Come up with a fake emergency to force your friend to spend time with you instead of her boyfriend. May I suggest:

  • Childhood dog dying
  • Finding out your ex is engaged
  • Pretending you have an STD.
  • Pretending you found out her boyfriend’s ex has an STD.

 If all of this fails, you can either drink your face off (may I suggest the Super Trooper Drinking game? Drink every time Abba sings Super. It’s the reason I don’t remember my 24 birthday) OR you can actually call those you love in your life and tell them what they mean to you OR you can cheer for the Canadians at the Olympics (GO TEAM CANADA).

Happy Valentine’s Day lovelies. I hope it’s everything you make it.

 *Those fake Holidays ya’ll have in the States to make up for the fact you don’t have paid vacation don’t count. President’s Day, pfah.


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