Muse. Ramble. Rant. Repeat

The Tale of the Diet Coke Stealing Doctor

I rent office space in a professional building.

The professional building is filled with professional types – mostly doctors, their support staff and of the like. We have a shared kitchen which basically is only used by me, A (colleague and mentor) and the receptionist ladies. We all live in happy harmony and the kitchen keeps really clean. A and I live in this office, especially during our busy season so we keep groceries here because one can only eat out so many times. When I first moved into here I noticed that sometimes food would disappear from the kitchen – a piece of bread here, a banana there – nothing so important that it bothered me. Then, it started happened.

For those unaware, I have a serious dependence on Diet Coke. Like any dieting teenager after finding out how much sugar (and therefore calories) in regular cola, I gave it up and opted for the diet version. Soon, without noticing, I was hooked on the stuff and have been ever since. It’s legal crack. You can’t get the same aspartame taste from any other diet cola – Pepsi too sweet, 7up too aspartamey, no-name blatantly ugly tasting – Diet Coke is perfectly balanced in its sweetness and carbonization. I could probably write a sonnet in dedication to it – there is nothing better than a cold can being cracked on a hot afternoon. If you don’t drink the diet crack, there is no way you could ever understand the satisfaction you can get from the carcinogen filled can. There is something to do with Diet Coke specifically that makes it addictive. In fact, I don’t consider myself a soda pop drinker since I only drink Diet Coke. If it’s not available then I opt for water. In short, I loves me my Diet Coke and you best keep your hands off it.

So, back to “the incidents”, I used keep a case of diet coke in the work kitchen. One day I went for my very last can of Diet Coke and it wasn’t there. I dismissed it and thought that maybe I had drank it in some caffeine-headache induced blindness. About a week later a bottle went missing. This time I was sure I hadn’t drank it. Soon my Diet Coke was going missing all of the time. I stopped being able to keep it in the kitchen. Since a thief was on the loose I started keeping a vigilant watch on the kitchen (it’s a good distraction from actually working).

I soon narrowed it down to one doctor in particular who I’ve caught taking food that wasn’t his before. This doctor is kind of a jerk. He drives a flashly Lexus. He brushes patients off with a mild contempt. And apparently has decided he’s entitled to food that isn’t his. I’ve kept my eyes on him (and given him good doses of dirty looks, which from me is a scary thing) and for the most part the stealing has stopped. He knows I know what he’s up to and I have a feeling he can sense my eagerness to catch him red handed and yell at him (I love yelling at people, it’s such a comforting warm feeling).

I had thought we were at a good point until two mornings ago. That’s when I noticed my grapefruit spoon (a spoon with serrated edges on it, impossible to eat a grapefruit without one) was missing. This morning while I was digging into my grapefruit with both knife and spoon, Dr. Jerk walked by and smirked at me.

Smirked at me! I suspect it was a “Haha, you look stupid eating that grapefruit that way, don’t you know they make spoons for that” look. But I know he’s taking my Diet Coke. I know it’s on purpose (I’ve written my name on cans). I suspect he took my spoon (Ok, I’m a teensy bit paranoid, perhaps he didn’t take it). But he’s a smug jerk who will get his one day.

Until then, I just have to wait and think of evil things to say to him. Or key his Lexus tonight. We’ll see how the day goes…


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  1. * theweightofitall says:

    I hope you keyed his Lexus. Just a little mark, nothing to get upset over…But I’m like you: someone takes my soda, and it’s over. Especially if I catch them taking it without asking. Duuuuude. Faux paux.

    | Reply Posted 8 years, 9 months ago

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