Muse. Ramble. Rant. Repeat

Dear Drunk Me…

Dear Drunk Martina,

There a few things that I, sober Martina, want to talk to you about. I’m afraid you won’t listen very well but at least if I write it down I can tell you “I told you so” when you offend me again next weekend.

– Can we go back to the alternating every alcoholic drink with a glass of water? Or at least go back to drinking wine that we didn’t like the taste of so much? This new concoction we have for mango vodka is deadly and dehydrating*.

– When applying fake eyelashes could we lay off the eyelash glue just a little bit? While it’s all fine to want the eyelashes to stay in place for the night pulling off little pieces of glue and eyelashes is less than fun when our head is pounding the next morning. Also, all that burning from the glue cannot be good for our eyes.

– Please, please stop painting our nails after we’ve been drinking. Do you know how hard it is to get OPI’s Black Cherry Chutney off our cuticles when the smell of nail polish remover is making us nauseous?

– And about those $20 fancy spanx pantyhose you purchased – exactly how did we get such a huge run in them? We are not amused. Next time you are only allowed to wear the cheap Joe Fresh pantyhose out.

– Please stop thinking that when a strange boy asks you to dance it gives us an opening to critique his appearance. I am pretty sure there is a 21-year-old crying about his precious long hair in the dorms while telling his mommy how the mean older woman was a bitch. Although, the line “Let me put this to you in terms you’ll understand, you’re totes like that werewolf dude from Twilight in the first movie when you could really be like when he cuts his hair and gets all hot in the second one” is one of our better ones.

– High heels on an icy night? Really? Really? What were you thinking? Our calves don’t like you. Flats next time please.

I think that’s it for now, I do want to commend you on not eating greasy pizza after the bar – it made us feel much better about eating half a deep and delicious cake on Sunday.

Sincerely, Sober Martina

*2 parts mango vodka, 1 part diet ginger ale, 1 part ice cubes, sprinkle of strawberry-kiwi crystal light. Blend. Drink. Drunk. Die.


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