Muse. Ramble. Rant. Repeat

The “Poor you, this cake is delicious, ah nom nom nom” look.

I think the world is against me this week.

You see, I started one of those dumb New Year’s Resolution diet/exercise things. I seem to do it every January (and fail at it horribly) but it’s exactly six months until my wedding where lots of forever pictures will be taken and I could really use to revamp the entire how I view food/exercise thing (For the record – food is comforting and makes the sad go away. Exercise is the devil that should be spited at all costs).

So, with an iPhone filled with apps and all Christmas junk consumed I started counting calories, exercising daily and repeating that stupid mantra “Sugar will never taste as good as being fit feels”. I swear I’m not going to force you to read about my struggles with food but I’ve convinced myself the world is conspiring against me. I could also be extra paranoid because I’m also attempting to cut back the caffeine (for the bazillionth time in my life – it’s the one thing I fail at more consistently than dieting)

For example:

Sunday: Feeling good and proud that I haven’t eaten anything Oprah would approve of. I see a girl I haven’t seen in about 4 months. She runs up to me and gives me a hug – and says
“Wow, you look so good! Did you lose weight?”
I think:
“NO! DON’T TELL ME I LOOK GOOD! Telling me I look good at this point will only inflate my already inflated ego and I’ll determine that I don’t need to lose any weight! Tell me I look fat or miserable! That’s better motivation!”
I say:
“No, not really, thanks though”

Monday: I discover how many calories are in cheese. My world comes crashing down and I start crying on the inside a little bit because I had already promised CJ I would make him homemade mac and cheese. I do the good wife thing and make him the dinner I promise and then modify it for me (replace noodles with rice, cheese sauce with vegetables). As I’m slaving over the hot stove he wonders into the kitchen and we start talking about our day. Just as I’m explaining to him exactly how horrible cheese is for you and that I need to cut back my consumption of it, he is eating the grated cheese I have on the counter and says “Oh god, this is delicious, what kind of cheese is this? So much better than our usual stuff – is this cheddar from the market? I could make love to that man who makes it”. I give him THE look and he realizes that he probably should have been listening to me for the past 5 minutes and promptly leaves the kitchen.

Tuesday: My mother-in-law sends us a tin filled with my favourite homemade cookies because it’s my birthday this week. I watch bitterly as CJ consumes it. A side note: Why the hell does that man not weigh 700lbs – he seriously eats crap all day long and nothing happens to him.

Wednesday (as in today): My office is in a shared space where lots of other people have offices. There is usually something going on but today there was birthday cake and an offer that we could all have a piece of birthday cake. When I turned it down I got the “poor you, this cake is delicious, ah nom nom nom” look.

Apparently January is going to be all about willpower. And being hungry.*

*Now come on, you must know that I’m not actually crazy enough to be actually hungry. I’m dieting in the safe following Canada’s Food Guide type of way. I’m just cutting back on the good stuff – like sugar, white carbs and anything that is convenient (fast food, microwaveable food, junk food) – and planning my meals ahead of time. So, we can just laugh at the jokes and remember that I tend to exaggerate when it comes to this stuff.


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