Muse. Ramble. Rant. Repeat

(no) Cheating! (no) Lies! (no) Scandal!

I answer my phone with the happy annoying greeting I reserve just for her
“L’Enfant! How’s my youngin’ doing today?”
(you see, my friend is a few years younger than me – she calls me Grams, I call her a child, it’s love).
Silence at the other end. I then hear a sniffle.
Telling her I’ll be there in 5, I grab the keys and go get her.

I’ve known this was coming. It’s been working up to this point for months now. They had already broken up once; this was the second go around. A new relationship this time, it would be different, it would be better.

The problem with second chances is that people don’t change. Who you are is set in stone. I think people can make mistakes, learn from those mistakes and modify their behaviors but they can’t change. In the case of this relationship – they both wanted change. They wanted to make it work but are simply at different stages of their lives.

He wants to get married, buy a house and have babies. This thought gave her panic attacks. She wants fun, adventure, companionship. That thought made him demand that she settle down. But they did/do love each other and were trying to work through the issues.

The problem with grownup relationships is that they often end for grownup reasons. When we were young, relationships ended on a much more sensationalist note.

Cheating! Lies! Scandal!

Oh, how fun those breakups are: the celebration at the end of the relationship of being free of the manwhore, the dead weight, the man-child.

Now, relationships end because two people want different things out of life. I think it is harder to end a relationship without scandal because you have to focus on the faults within yourself and the person you love. There is often no one to blame. It’s hard to explain to your friends why you broke up because there is no reason. It just didn’t work out. Oh sure, the reasons start to flood out after the fact: he played world of warcraft all day, the sex just wasn’t good enough, they snored in their sleep – but those things were ok when you were going out. It’s just hard to accept that sometimes no matter how hard two people try they just aren’t meant to spend the rest of their lives together.

It’s this simple, grownup reason that so many people try to get back together with their ex. They forget why they broke up with the person. They can’t quite remember what the faults were because the faults sometimes didn’t exist. I have a dozen close girlfriends who ended relationships with truly sweet, funny, amazing guys because they wanted different things from life. You can work through the Cheating! Lies! Scandal! – you can’t work through differences in values. If at the end of the day you believe in different things, are seeing your path in life headed in a different direction than his – it’s never going to work. Or it will work at a highly dysfunctional level of passive aggressiveness.

To my darling, darling L’Enfant – I love you so much and wish you all the luck. Just remember the reasons it didn’t work out. Third time is not the charm. Also, drinking is not a healthy happy way to get over someone. You also shouldn’t hop into bed with the first good-looking stranger you see this week.

Now, that I got the formalities out-of-the-way – when are we going drinking? I’m an excellent wing(wo)man.


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