It must be the rain.
Windows still open from the muggy day, heavy droplets are hitting the patio in a steady rhythm.
Or maybe it’s the wine. A few days stale, it was cheap to begin with. My head is slightly buzzing.
It could be the sappy romantic movies I’ve been watching all night. Love stories and female companionship.
Most likely it’s the loneliness. CJ is out for the evening. My girlfriends are out for the summer. I actually couldn’t find plans for tonight, I tried. I could have crashed boy’s night with CJ but I’m just not that type of girl.
Tonight is a night that makes me wish I was one of those girls who could surround themselves with acquaintances. Those people always have things to do. I used to be that girl. I used to have a social calendar filled with appointments and parties. What no one tells you about those girls is that they lack real friendships – the kind where you call someone and they come running – but at least they aren’t alone.
No, I now focus my love and attention on a few people at a time. This usually pays great dividends. Except on nights like tonight. Then I’m by myself. I get weepy and drink another glass of wine. Curse myself for not forcing myself to become friends with that girl I kinda sorta liked from that party. Except I didn’t like how she threw herself at that guy with a popped collar. Why can’t I look past such stupid little things?
Curse my girlfriends for being so successful, talented and adventurous. All are having summers of self discoveries. Those who haven’t moved away for school, jobs and relationships are traveling around Europe, road tripping in California, about to give birth, enjoying a new relationship or repairing an old one.
I’m having a summer of sameness. My life is practically perfect and there is nothing for me to discover this summer. I’m happy about all this, I don’t want to begrudge anyone from finding themselves – I did it myself previous years. I wouldn’t change anything in my life, I love it. My relationship is perfect*, I’m building a career… but part of me is feeling neglected and left out. Years of being ahead of the curve have caught up to me and I’m stuck with one silly summer where everyone else has adventures and I don’t.
I’ll wait this out. These girls will come back to my city. Having missed me too, I hope.
Until then, I’m alone. With the rain. With the wine. With myself.
*CJ is fantastic. He’s been spending more time than usual with me. Keeping our mutual calendar full of couple activities. Same with my other guy friends – all there, all supportive. But it is not the same as having a girlfriend.